I Shouldn't Love You, But I Want To
by All-About-That-Ace
Summary: "I love you." There. She finally said it. Three years worth of suppressed emotions and she didn't feel any better because Rachel hadn't said anything. Why wasn't she saying anything?


**A/N:** Now, I usually crossover Glee with Harry Potter because I'm much more knowledgeable about that fandom, but for some reason, I wanted to write a Faberry. I'm not sure why. But it would be entirely pointless to introduce Harry Potter to the world of Gleeks this time.

**Pairings (that matter): **brief Quinn/Finn, past Finn/Rachel, main Quinn/Rachel

**Timeline: **After Jean's funeral, but Quinn breaks up with Finn and Jesse St. James never showed his face again.

**Warnings:** I haven't seen a bunch of episodes. I've only recently started really following the show. So if I get a fact wrong, just go with it.

**Summary: **"I love you." There. She finally said it. Three years worth of suppressed emotions and she didn't feel any better because Rachel hadn't said anything. Why wasn't she saying anything?

**Disclaimer: **My therapist has promised me a cookie if I say _Glee_ isn't mine, but we all know the truth, don't we? The song used, however, (_Just So You Know_) is by Jesse McCartney and is in no way mine.

— — —

People thought Finn was stupid. They didn't usually say it to his face because he was QB and everyone liked him, but that didn't mean they didn't think he was stupid, and that didn't mean that Finn didn't know what they thought. And yeah, maybe he wasn't the smartest guy around. Maybe he was bad at math and he slept through history and he only recently found out that you can borrow books from libraries and he didn't know that you couldn't make a baby with a hot tub, but he wasn't stupid. He knew why this was happening, he'd known it would for a long time, which is why it didn't hurt so much that Quinn was breaking up with him.

— — —

Quinn had tried. She'd tried so, _so_ hard, but she couldn't. She was just couldn't. Not anymore

Finn stared at her and she wondered what thoughts were racing behind those puppy dog eyes.

"I'm sorry, Finn," she whispered through her tears. "I am, I just…"

"Love someone else," Finn finished for her, and she wondered how he knew.

"Yeah."

"It's ok." He smiled his sweet, dopey grin and hugged her. He kissed her on the forehead and drove her to her house. He pulled into the driveway and they shared one last smile before she climbed out and he drove away.

And it didn't hurt. He left and she knew she could never have him again for as long as she lived, and the thought didn't hurt, and that's when she knew she'd made the right decision. She silently prayed for him to find the love he deserved and walked to her room. She had some planning to do.

— — —

Rachel didn't know why she was there. Quinn had asked her to meet her in an empty classroom after Glee club and refused to explain why, but Rachel had showed up anyway.

Perhaps the ex-Cheerio was hoping for some vocal lessons? She _had_ been a little sharp last club meeting. Or maybe Quinn had written a song for Nationals and wanted to run it by her? Rachel had, after all, written the ballad that had won them Regionals. Of course, it was Quinn's vicious words that had inspired the song. A voice in the back of Rachel's head told her that the other girl wanted to say more horrible things to her under the guise of friendship. Rachel felt queasy at the thought.

Rachel didn't have much longer to wonder why Quinn had asked to meet her as the blonde girl walked into the classroom, a boom-box in one arm and an odd expression on her face.

She placed the boom-box on a desk and turned to Rachel. "Thanks for meeting me."

"You're welcome," Rachel replied carefully. "I'm always happy to help a member of Glee club, but… why am I here?"

Quinn was silent for a moment. "Well, I… there's a song I want to sing for Glee Club and I was wondering if you would mind giving me an opinion?" The nauseous feeling in the pit of Rachel's stomach began to fade.

"Of course!" Rachel was surprised Quinn felt the need to ask—Rachel was always very vocal about her tips and critiques—but she wondered why Quinn hadn't tried out her song on Santana or Brittney first. Quinn was much closer to them than she was to Rachel.

"Good." Quinn gave a slightly strained smile and pressed play. She took a deep breath before quietly singing;

"_I shouldn't love you, but I want to_

_I just can't turn away_

_I shouldn't see you, but I can't move_

_I can't look away_

_I shouldn't love you, but I want to_

_I just can't turn away_

_I shouldn't see you, but I can't move_

_I can't look away_

_And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not_

'_Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop_"

Her voice got louder, slightly more emotional, as she began the chorus.

"_Just so you know_

_This feeling's taking control of me_

_And I can't help it_

_I won't sit around, I can't let him win now_

_Thought you should know_

_I've tried my best to let go of you_

_But I don't want to_

_I just gotta say it all before I go_

_Just so you know_"

Her voice was passionate and raw and Rachel started to figure out why she'd been asked to hear the song first rather than Santana or Brittney.

"_It's getting hard to be around you_

_There's so much I can't say_

_Do you want me to hide the feelings_

_And look the other way?_

_And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not_

'_Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop_"

The classroom was poorly lit, so Quinn didn't see the tear leak from Rachel's eye. Why did the blonde hate her so much? The sick feeling in her stomach returned.

"_Just so you know_

_This feeling's taking control of me_

_And I can't help it_

_I won't sit around, I can't let him win now_

_Thought you should know_

_I've tried my best to let go of you_

_But I don't want to_

_I just gotta say it all before I go_

_Just so you know_"

What had Rachel done to warrant such cruelty from the other girl? Sure, they'd had their arguments in the past and Rachel had struck back more than once, but _this_…. This was just a new level of spite.

"_This emptiness is killing me_

_And I'm wondering why I've waited so long_

_Looking back I realize_

_It was always there just never spoken_

_I'm waiting here… been waiting here_"

There was a brief musical interlude and Rachel began to feel rage build within her. She tried to contain it, she really did, but she was just so _angry_. How dare Quinn? How _dare she?_

"_Just so you know_

_This feeling's taking control of me_

_And I can't help it_

_I won't sit around, I can't let him win now_

_Thought you should know_

_I've tried my best to let go of you_

_But I don't want to_

_I just gotta say it all before I go_

_Just so you know_

_Ooh o-o-oh_

_Just so you know_

_Ooh o-o-oh_"

Wanted her opinion; _ha!_ Why had Rachel believed that load? Quinn _never_ wanted anyone's opinion unless it was whether she'd make a good prom queen. That girl was seriously obsessed with that tiara. Well, Rachel certainly wasn't going to vote for her!

"_Thought you should know_

_I've tried my best to let go of you_

_But I don't want to_

_I just gotta say it all before I go_

_Just so you know_

_Just so you know_"

— — —

Quinn had closed her eyes as the last beats faded away, but when the record stopped, she took a close look at Rachel's face. In the low lighting, Quinn saw the tell-tale sheen of tears. _Is that a good thing? That's a good thing, right?_ Tears meant she was moved… right? After all, she cried every time she sang a solo, and she loved her solos, ergo, she loved Quinn's song. It was only logical. But no; she wasn't smiling. These were not happy tears.

Rachel stared at her—glared, really—and Quinn felt a sinking feeling in her gut. "You didn't like it?" she asked, trying very hard not to cry herself.

"It was lovely," Rachel flatly told her. "I'm sure Finn will love it."

_Finn? What the—? Oh crap! _It was at that moment that Quinn realized that New Directions didn't know she and Finn had broken up.

Rachel spun on her heel and made to storm out and Quinn desperately called out to her; "It's not for Finn!" Rachel froze and slowly turned to face the blonde, no doubt with a scathing retort about Quinn cheating—again—on the tip of her tongue. "We broke up," Quinn informed the short brunette before she could begin lecturing. "After Jean Sylvester's funeral, we broke up."

"W-why?" Rachel asked, shocked.

_Here goes nothing_. "Because I'm in love with someone else." Quinn tried her best to shoot Rachel a meaningful look, but the other girl seemed oblivious. _Damn it, you're smarter than this!_

— — —

Rachel wasn't paying attention to the ex-Cheerio, relieved beyond reason that the other girl hadn't brought her to a secluded classroom to rub her relationship with Rachel's ex in her face. She was just so happy that Quinn wasn't as vindictive a person as she'd thought, and not only that, Finn was single again! Not that that had stopped her last time…. She put that thought out of her head.

"Well," Rachel chirped in her usual peppy tone, "in that case, it was really good. A tad pitchy at moments, but good. You can tell you put a lot of emotion into the song. I'm sure whoever you're singing to will love it. Except perhaps Sam. He doesn't seem the type to forgive cheating. Other than Sam, though…. I'm sure this new guy will appreciate the gesture."

Rachel saw Quinn twitch and wondered that she'd said. Maybe she shouldn't have mentioned Sam, but the two had been getting on fine the past few weeks. Oh well. It was out there; now they had to live with it.

"Oh, I'm sure they'll think it's good," Quinn told her, a strange glint in her eye.

"Are you?" Rachel cocked her head to the side inquisitively. _Why did she want my opinion, then? _She meant to ask, but what came out of her mouth was; "How do you know?"

Quinn smiled nervously. "She just told me."

She_ just told you?_

_But I'm the only one here._

_And I'm a she._

_And I just…_

_But…_

_What? No…_

_There's no way…_

_You… me…_

_I…_

_DOES NOT COMPUTE_

— — —

Rachel stared wide-eyed at the blonde, who was desperately hoping for the brunette to say something. The shorter girl looked like she was having some sort of mental breakdown. She was sort of twitching a little. Quinn was starting to get worried, but began to frantically explain herself while the other girl was somewhat complacent.

"I'm so sorry, Rachel, for all the crap I've put you through. I was scared and stupid and so desperate to fit in and you were challenging everything I thought I knew about myself so I guess I thought that if I tormented you, you would hate me and torment me and then I would hate you and these _damn feelings_ would go away but they didn't because you refused to stoop to my level and then I was hanging out with Puck and drinking wine coolers and trying _so hard _to pretend I didn't want you that I ended up sleeping with him and getting pregnant and then I joined Glee club to have somewhere to belong because I knew Coach Sylvester would throw me off the Cheerios but that just put me closer to you and you were always so nice to me and supportive and non-judgemental and trying to be friends and I just wanted you to go away and stop making me like you but you wouldn't and…" Her words began to bleed together as she began crying. Rachel still hadn't said anything and Quinn was beginning to regret ever thinking things would end well.

Awareness was slowly returning to Rachel's expression as Quinn stopped to breathe. Rachel stared at her—quiet, probing—and Quinn, now crying in earnest, hoped desperately that she measured up to the unspoken judgement in the other's face.

"I love you." There. She finally said it. Three years worth of suppressed emotions and she didn't feel any better because Rachel hadn't said anything. Why wasn't she saying anything? "I love you," she repeated, feeling her lips wrap around the words, her heartbeat quickening, her fingers trembling as tears raced down her cheeks and the silence stretched on. "Please say something. Please?"

"What do you want me to say?" Well, anything but that would've been fantastic.

"I don't know." Quinn ignored her voice as it broke. She wasn't Head Cheerio anymore, or Sue Sylvester's spy; she wasn't even Quinn. She was Lucy. For the first time in what felt like forever, she was Lucy Caboosey, and she was scared out of her mind. _Say you want me. Say you need me. _"Say you love me." She hadn't meant to say the words, but as they escaped her, she felt her heart carefully balancing on the edge of a blade. One wrong move and it would slip and bleed out within her. Just one…

"_I don't know you!_" Rachel shouted and Quinn felt her heart bleeding as she bit back her cries. "Apparently, I've _never_ known you! _Who the hell are you, Quinn Fabray?_"

Quinn couldn't hold them in anymore and became wracked with sobs. Why had she ever thought this would work? Why had she ever let herself hope that Rachel could put aside their history and love her back? _Why _had she been so _stupid?_

She fell to the floor and curled into a ball, burying her face in her knees. She heard footsteps and cried louder to mask the sound, torn between dejection and gratitude that the other girl would leave her alone to her heartbreak. A hand touched her shoulder and she looked up to see Rachel hadn't left. The girl handed her a tissue and Quinn wiped at her eyes, only then realizing the mess she probably looked with mascara running down her face and snot dripping out her nose.

"You don't have to stay, you know," Quinn told her, face down, ignoring the breaks in her tone.

"I know," Rachel replied as she handed the girl another tissue. "But I want to." Quinn tried to get all the black smudges off her cheeks. "And I want to get to know you."

Quinn looked up at that, unwilling to let herself hope but feeling the emotion blossom where her heart had once beat.

"I'm half convinced this is just an elaborate joke—"

"It's not!" Quinn insisted, her eyes wide and pleading as she shook her head vigorously.

"Then be at Breadstix after school at six," Rachel ordered. "And since the man traditionally pays and we're both women, we'll split the check like my dads did when they were dating."

Quinn nodded, almost believing she'd fallen asleep on the classroom floor and was dreaming Rachel Berry asking her on… a date? "Will it be a date?" Quinn couldn't resist asking; she needed to know where she stood.

Rachel seemed to be thinking about it. "Not this time," she decided and Quinn tried not to look upset. "Next time, though…? Maybe."

Rachel handed the blonde the box of tissues and skipped out of the room, happily calling, "We can talk about how pitchy you were!"

Quinn looked after her and smiled. She couldn't wait for next time.

— — —

**A/N:** So, my first Glee fic. Well, Glee-only fic. I have 3 others, but they're crossed-over with Harry Potter.

Anyway, please review, and please be nice. I'm fragile.


End file.
